There’s nothing louder than the end of cycle signal on a dryer.

What does a dyslexic zombie say? Brian’s … Briiiiiiiiian’s!!!

According to my Fitbit I’ve masturbated 4 miles today

My cat is recovering from… a massive stroke.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

the most American thing I’ve done today is pay $5 for a pre-sliced apple

I was woken up today by a tap on my door Odd sense of humor my plummer has.

Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi? Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

How do you know you’re on the phone with a meth head? When comcast puts them on hold and they don’t hang up

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese. As if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.