When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.

What do you call a bowling alley in Brooklyn? Ebo-wling

The comeback to every insult. “If you want my cumback you would have to get it at your mum’s yourself.”

Pity Poor Peter I feel sorry for my friend Peter. His hair’s a mess. His family’s nuts. His neighbor’s an asshole. On bad days, his girlfriend’s a c—. And his owner beats him. EDIT: Punctuation.

The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.

I heard a great Ray Rice joke… but I can’t remember the punchline.

A Valentines joke from yours truly, Cyclops <3 x Roses are Red Violets are Red Everything is Red…sigh

I wish I could just “like” a text message so I don’t have to respond.

What does a Syrian refugee and an American abortion have in common? White people didn’t allow them to come into the U.S.

My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son “one eighth of a byte” So I said “Really honey? Don’t you think that’s a bit…?”