Is trying to sell a useless set of feelings.

[impatiently yells] “What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??” And that’s when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy [car dies] Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

Why is Jeopardy the #1 show in the U.S.? Because Michael Douglas starred in “Double Jeopardy” in 1999.

The winner of Powerball should really invest in a diverse portfolio There’s also Mega Millions, Tri-State, and SuperLotto.

Two muffins were baking in an oven… One says “It’s really hot in here” & the other one said “Oh crap! A talking muffin”. Kristen Schaal

The best part of waking up is still mystery to me.

There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie? ME: i love love actually actually

Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.