*leads horse to water* “You’re not gonna drink, are you?” *horse neighs* “It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.” Horse: You’re not foaling me.

Why are African Americans called Negroes? Because their dicks grow to their knees. Negro=knee grow

what do you call 4 and 25 cents? foreign change

I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain… Doctor: “Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking” Mick : “Ill come back when you’re sober Doctor”

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.

This woman I met last night says she wants a guy who is “spontaneous and fun”. Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it is all panic and screaming.

I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.

What’s the difference between an owl and a bungee cord? My ass