My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom* Me: “Privacy, please” 3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door* “Now we have privacy, Mommy”

“One of my neighbours had half of his large intestine removed,” I said to my mate. “Did he end up in a coma?” He asked. “No,” I replied, “But he did end up with a semi-colon.”

The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.

God: *making Eve from Adam’s rib* Adam: That’s a weird way to make people God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

I got told off for masturbating at the gun range. We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

What is a test tube baby’s biggest fear? Dingos with straws….!!

Two muffins are sitting in an oven… The first muffin looks over and goes “man, it’s really hot in here.” The second muffin replies “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

What do you get your girlfriend for Valentines Day? A box of chocolate, flowers and a dildo. So if she doesn’t like the chocolate and flowers she can go fuck herself.