If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar and say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can’t tune a fish. Say it outloud if you don’t get it. I made this one up in first grade IIRC.

Why do bees hum They don’t know the words

How many marshmallows does it take to get to the moon? Purple, there are no bones in ice cream!

If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

At any time, the temptation to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away……. A whim away.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court. I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

What does Acetone and Hitler have in common? They’re both Polish removers!

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Is it okay to not like a certain race? My friends want me to run a 10k with them, but I want to run a 5k.