I was asking my comedian friend… for some advice on my act. I said “I made a few cotton picking jokes but nobody found them funny”. He said “It’s simple, you need new material.”

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.

What was Aladdin called after he went Vegan? Saladdin.

If I could travel back in time I wouldn’t kill Hitler, but I would write him a scathing book review called ‘Mein Kampffft.”

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other “I don’t like your friend.” The other one said “Well put him to one side and just eat the vegetables.”

What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and Mufasa? One’s an African lion, the other is a lyin’ African.

I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

What’s the problem with tipped cows? They can’t MOOve

An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way So I moved the mirror

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.