Two fish are in a tank One says to the other: You man the guns, I’ll drive.

“Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.” In which case, there sure are a lot of amnesiacs on this subreddit.

Being a child is like being drunk. Everybody remembers what you did exept you.

Well… cats clean themselves… and we *are* out of toilet paper…

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

What do you call a fat psychic? …a four chin teller

Apparently there are midget prostitutes in Thailand who cost less than a dollar. Clearly they’re selling themselves short.

[interview] What is your greatest strength? “Throwing my voice” You’re hired! “Ok great, thanks” Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard. I just got laid.

I have a life pro tip I never wear condoms