Sexual intercourse: It’s just wanking that’s got out of hand.

Why did the baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.

What did the Israeli Prime Minister who can’t say the word “and” say about candy that caused such a hubbub? Mike Ike’s are my least favorite.

Im going bananas Is what i tell my bananas before i leave the house.

I was dating a midget but I had to break up with her. She never really grew on me.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date? OMG!

What does The White House and my underwear have in common? They both contain very large black dicks that can’t wait to fuck you.