“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

What do you call somebody who is allergic to wearing little alligators on their polo shirt? Lacoste intolerant.

TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit. Shit I thought this was /r/irony

Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”

How do you know if someone is a socialist? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

What has got 8 legs and 1 eye? 2 chairs and a half of a fish.

A Catholic dies, and thinks he’s gone to heaven .

What’s the similarity between American waitresses and the Jewish community? They both believe in tip shaming.