An Irish guy walks out of a bar… And that is the joke

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Q: What’s the difference between roast beef & pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.

My father used to go out drinking all night, come home and blow chunks. why we called our dog chunks, I’ll never know.

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

What did the tailor do after she got hit by the lawyer’s car? Sewed him

Dark humour is like a kid with cancer It never gets old Edit: Credits to /u/CookieDestroyer66 He da real MVP.

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.

My friend told me he wanted to join the Spanish Inquisition the other day. I managed to Torquemada it.

What do you get when you cross a black and asian man? (slightly racist) A car thief that can’t drive.