Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

Why is China so politically in bed with Africa? Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world

I hate when I buy new shoes, and I have to learn to drive all over again.

Why does it suck to be black and Jewish? You have to sit at the back of the furnace.

You’re Immature My girlfriend said that I’m too immature I said if I’m immature than why have i got an arsfor She said wats an arsefor I said shitting and giggled for 20 mins

I always let the other person have the last word. I just ignore them mid-conversation.

What’s the difference between a tv remote and a newborn? You can’t play football with the remote.

I just slapped my phone out of my mom’s hand like it was a live grenade because she started scrolling thru my photos.

What are your guys’ best Cards Against Humanity answers?

I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the vodka Turns out he was my spirit guide.