FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

SNL Gold: Domestic Violence A local county couple had an argument over a jar of salsa, which resulted in the girlfriend stabbing her boyfriend. But hey, you’d be mad too if he was jalpeno business.

Where do poor Italians live? A spaghetto.

If i dress up as a sea shell nobody can see me… It’s my clamouflage.

QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Milk and honey.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank hot chocolate before it was cool.

Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Who wants a cold one?

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird? ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Why was the Spanish train the primary suspect? It had locomotive. (I’m not sorry)

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.