How did the hipster burn his tongue Because he was drinking coffee before it was cool

Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator? Customer: No thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

Me: ” Doctor can you die from Constipation” ? I’m a bit worried how full of Shit some people are !”

What’s black and white and red all over? A penguin dating Chris Brown.

Just worked out for the first time in a year. Feels good to be back in shape.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

“BALL SO HARD MUTHAF–KAS WANNA FINE ME.” “Grandma, just pay the parking ticket…”

He who hesitates is boss.

I posed naked for a magazine today Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money 🙂

How is Disneyland like Viagra? An hour wait for a 30 second ride.