A late night booty call woke me from a deep sleep… that damn cricket better have got some!

[Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking

“Hey, I can see my house from here!” – homeless people, almost all the time

What do you call a crew of handsome Italian astronauts? Fine specimens.

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.. But I couldn’t find a manual.

Hillary could be the first F—– president. I would have said female, but someone deleted the emale.

Why shouldn’t you look at a cup of ranch? Because it’s still dressing.

What do you call a British woman with a yeast infection? An English muffin

Young Billy stuck the knife into the outlet… He said it was a shocking surprise.