I just burned 2000 calories… That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!!!

What kind of pants does Mario wear? *denim denim denim*

Steelers defense, last night.

So I was in sex-ed class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. Apparently “70” was not the correct answer.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

What is the best way to follow a lost dog’s paw prints? With a track-tor!

Garcinia Cambogia.

Use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence My brothers girlfriends boobs are so big when she wears a ten button shirt she can only fascinate.

I don’t mind showing up to work But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.

Why can Severus Snape never become a gardener His lilies always die