The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.

A little girl told her mother “Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up!” The mother answered “Well make up your mind, sweetheart”.

If you like something, don’t forget to really oversell it so it can disappoint everyone else.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* “WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Leaked CSI Reno script. Detective: Why did you do it Johnny, why did you shoot him? Psycho-killer: Just to watch him die…

I’m starting a new movement that encourages people to take things one step at a time Unfortunately, it’s taking a long time to catch on.

If God had an iPhone, like 8 of the 10 Commandments would have typos in them.

I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo. I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.

You know as soon as my “Swear Jar” gets full, I’m going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

… You are so stupid that you got hit by a parked car!