How many cops does it need to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile I told her that’s an awfully big word for a ten year old

Why are redditors American? Because they always *tip*.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

[love making] Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.” [i cease to exist] Her: “yeah baby.”

My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” – I said “Dust!”

How many ears does Daniel Boone have? He’s got a right ear, a left ear, and a frontier.

Why can’t you put two dicks in one condom? Because it’s too hard…

What’s the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher? Two days.

“This is gonna be so awful, and everyone’s least favorite, yet .0001 of the population will keep it in demand.” – Inventor of licorice