What do you call a sad hat? A sombre-ero!

Women are so desperate… 4 missed calls and 8 new text messages, CALM THE FUCK DOWN MOTHER!

236 luftballoons* * – adjusted for inflation

A pirate joke kind of day. What do pirates and pimps have in common? They both say “YO HO!” and walk with a limp!

Why is Cam Newton’s house so dirty? He doesn’t pick up after himself.

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and maybe use some lube

What did the judge say to the attractive woman soaked in pee? You’re an eight.

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common? They both made the news for not being straight.

What’s the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I actually care when my computer crashes.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations ME: oh LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?