3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?” ME: “Look! Ice cream!” *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“

I cut myself shaving today… because who has time to do both?

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time? Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies? Disney movies can still touch children.

Men In Black Men #AddaWordRuinaMovie

How does a streetwalker sing and give bj-s at the same time? She takes off her glass eye

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

[NSFW] I know one woman who prefers uncut cocks… And that would be my mother, obviously.

Dad Joke – Did the melon get married without permission? No, it Cantelope.

It is much easier to hula hoop with an erection.