Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack

I walked in on two mummies making out. I told them to get a tomb.

Whats in Olivia Newton’s John? Gomer’s Pile

why didn’t the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? ..nobody gave a shirt.

in these hard times, it’s crucial to stay as positive as Charlie Sheen

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

HBO cancels “Luck” after horse deaths. Their next endeavor is to make a mini series called “Glue”.

I finally figured out Donald Trump You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

Ever hear the one about the welfare moocher who used his government payoffs to live on lobster and steak? It was Donald Trump.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns … It’s a play on words.