Do you know why Americans think Canadians are so apologetic? It’s because every time someone tells us they’re American, we say “oh, sorry.”

I’m split on the topic of abortion…. On one hand I don’t want to give women rights. But on the other hand I love killing babies.

I’ve done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life. If I died tomorrow.

What do you call 10 Ethiopians tied together? A raft

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

A girl goes to the doctor, he takes out his stethoscope and says “okay, big breaths.” To which the girl says “yeah, and I’m only thixteen.”

I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this *Pushes salad aside*

SHOUTS OUT TO ALL THE BIRDS THAT ARE INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT BUT THEY STILL OUT THERE GRINDIN ANYWAY

Boss: Can I have a word with you? Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk. Boss: But.. Me: Shhhhhhh…..