I lost my to-do list I don’t know what to do

I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it’s my turn to play on it.

If a psychic midget escapes from police custody…. … is she a small medium at large?

[Ouija board] GRANDMA WHERE IS YOUR COOKIE RECIPE

Why did the grammar nazi request someone else’s tombstone to be placed on his grave? He was a big fan of transferred epitaph.

“You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need.”

Starting to reconsider the Supreme Court decision… what are these lesbian newlyweds going to do with all the sandwiches they make if they always eat out?

What is the most racist dinosaur??? The Tricericops

There will only be seven planets… after I destroy Uranus

What would Donald Trump say if he was Mexican? ‘WE NEED TO BUILD A RAMP!’