Why do cannibal children go to the hospital? Because their mothers told them to eat their vegetables.

Did you hear about the African man who refused to accept the fact that he couldn’t swim? They say he died in denial.

Dear McDonald’s cashier, Don’t give me that look, there’s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don’t forget the toy b!tch.

What’s the mass of a large chunk of tree? 10g

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to beat the shit out of the black guy who was originally hired to change the bulb.

What if the last episode of “House” reveals it’s all been the dream of a kid with lupus?

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Is a lightsaber’s blade hot or cold? Neither. Its warm. *picks up lightsaber *warm warm warm*

For tentative people there’s no place like “erm”.