I was holding my cousin’s baby when I shouted SPOILER ALERT: LIFE SUCKS & that’s why I’m no longer allowed to hold my cousin’s baby

After reviewing my life, God may very well issue another 5 to 10 commandments. Sorry, guys.

Why do white girls only go out in odd numbered groups? Because they literally can’t even.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock. Who knew.

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW) He got off on a peel.

Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again” Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

When a programmer is born, what are their first words? “Hello world!”

are u nervous? do u hav nerves? dont wory. just take a deep breath. BUT NOT TOO DEEP!!! dont want ur lungs to pop. dont want that to hapen

How do blondes carpool? They meet up a work