What is a rednecks favorite pie during the holidays? Pump-Kin

What do you call a pen with no hair ? A bald point !

Why are crosses not in fashion? They’re too God-y

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

I just watched a boring documentary on how to build a time machine. That’s an hour of my life I’ll probably get back.

The iPhone 6 Plus sold very well. It was a huge 6s!

North Korea right now.

I wanted cats. My wife wanted kids. So we got a dog.

Two guys walk into a bar…. And the 2nd guy goes, “I didn’t see it either.”