What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? The mistress says “Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!” The wife says “Beige. I think we’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet. “I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Australians don’t have sex.. …they mate.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Anal Sex is a lot like your first car You don’t really want it but your step Dad gives it to you anyways.

How do you kill a fox? Cut off a leg and make it run across Canada

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

I’m 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap? ’cause his son is 17 and really hot.

What did the bean say to the other bean? How you been?

*writes on wall in ketchup* THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED Boss: What the hell are you doing? Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.