Why can’t a T-rex clap? Because there extinct.

What do pirates call fat whores? LAND HO!

How far do burgers go in school? Through cowlege (then they get their 450 degrees!).

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

A Mosquito landed on my wife’s face… Easiest decision of my life.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] …But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

If I had a dollar for every gender I could possibly be… I’d have $2.00.

2 peanuts were walking down a dark alley one was assaulted

Don’t send vague texts to girls unless you want them read and analyzed by 7 other girls.

The worst thing you can be is gullible My friend told me that means you’re prone to random attacks by seagulls