I don’t like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM. I’m not a mourning person. Edit: WHY THE HELL DID THIS MAKE THE JOKES FRONT PAGE

I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a… just SHUT UP, OKAY! SHUT UP, (sobbing) SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

A joke for the ages Le COCKoon

The Dallas gunman was a bit late. I know he wanted red whites in blue, but the 4th of July was like a week and a half ago.

Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.

I shake my head at people’s stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson’s.

Best joke I’ve ever made *I open the door to leave the house* Me: It’s raining outside? Mom: Yeah, and it’s chilly; you might want a jacket. Me: It’s raining chili?!

What did the left eyebrow told to the right eyebrow? Hi brow

My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn’t right under my toe