How to be a grown up at work? Always smile and replace “fuck you” with “OK great”

How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman? Look under his kilt, if it’s a quarter-pounder, he’s a McDonald.

Where do you find monster snails? On the end of monsters fingers.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who need closure…

What kind of bees make milk? BOOBIES!!!

“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.

Rick Astly will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one… He’s never gonna give you “UP”.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

My friend told me she’s going back to school for Psychiatry… I said: “That’s crazy talk.”