Where are the longest hairs of the body? Inside the nose. Because every time you pull one, you feel the pain until your ass.

I lost 150 pounds, here’s my story. Some knobhead stole my wallet.

If you have 99 problems… …you’re a math textbook.

Why is the magnet on medication? Because it’s bipolar

Are you my homework? Because I wanna slam you on my desk and do you all night.

What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.

Whats 12 inches long, rock hard, and full of semen? The sock under my bed.

FOX is adapting a mash-up of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and Are you smarter than a 5th grader for Bangladesh. They’re calling it, Who Wants to Marry a 5th Grader

When a drunk girl in her 20s screams, “Oh my God, I love this song!”, you can be sure that song sucks.

The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was making religion cool.