My favorite part of going out on the weekend is the 95% of it spent checking my phone.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?” Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

There were many docks along the seashore, but one of them couldn’t handle itself and collapsed. Why? Pier pressure!

No matter how many offensive jokes I hear… No matter how many offensive jokes I hear, this one is by far the worst. What did the lesbian vampires say to eachother? See you next month.

what is hhe hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair

I have a kinship with a racist pumpkin. I’m Donald Trumpkin.

How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, I am on hold.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

My girlfriend was going to take my last name when we get married… but now we’re changing it to Clinton so we can get away with anything we want