Never take a cows job for granted: It’s outstanding in its field.

Why are most selfies taken in the bathroom? Cause that’s where the shit belongs

Women love a man in uniform, but especially a uniform made from chocolate bars and $100 bills.

And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he’s called a stud… …but when he nails a ton of studs, he’s in construction?

What did the zoophile scientist say to his assistant? If you need me I’ll be in my lab

Its funny how guys always say they would give their left nut to do something awesome. Why is the right nut so much cooler than the left nut?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Friend 1: Why did the chicken cross the road? Friend 2: To get to the idiot’s house. Friend 1: Knock knock Friend 2: Who’s there? Friend 1: The chicken

How to write Icelandic: 1) Put a dictionary in a blender 2) Blend 3) Pour onto table. 4) Voila!

[1st day at work] BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules