Worst thing about this Californian drought… …the the state has lost its favorite, longest-running Rivers

Why does Mommy always say no? Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women] every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

What’s the worst part about being gay? Making love is a real pain in the ass.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

The portrait fell down from the wall, And struck the young man’s head. “A striking likeness!” was just about all, The rueful punster said.

You know what they said about the year old sheep that kept getting into trouble… …he was a mutton for punishment.

I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Our motto is: “Hang in there, we can beat it.”

How do you make a pheromone? Tell him to let your people go.