A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Amnesia. The librarian replies, “fuck off, you’ll forget to bring it back” To which the man replies, “bring what back?”

What should we call this giant advertising board? Phil: We should call it a Philboard. Bill: I have a better idea…

According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench.

Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he’s in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up. *hands cup of water* DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Actually….The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

A virgin fingers his girlfriend for the first time The woman with bated breath exclaims “I thought you were a virgin” the man replies ” I am but i also play the guitar”

*Buys world map* *Pins map to wall* *Promises to visit wherever dart lands* *Throws dart at fridge*

There ain’t enough tailgatin’ in this country. Folks would like workin’ and schoolin’ more if they could tailgate in the parkin’ lot first.

I like my coffee like I like my tea Hot with a splash of milk.