What do you say to a man with a broken lizard? Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.

My kid swallowed a torch today… It’s ok – it was removed and now he’s delighted.

I dont know why its called kidnapping, Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

Where are most fish found ? Between the head and the tail !

My first blowjob was like my first bike ride…. Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

A Teacher asked for the chemical formula for water Teacher: Alright so what is the chemical formula for water? Me: HIJKLMNO Teacher: What are you even saying?! Me: You told us it was H to O!

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

I have an excellent memory… I cant even remember the last time i forgot something.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.