My wife’s favourite drink is wine. Which coincidentally, is also her favourite hobby.

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.” Note: This is a bot test

What’s the worst thing your wife can text you after she sends you nudes? “Oops, wrong person.”

So the power went out during the Superbowl (Texans Joke) Better get J.J Watt!

Turning on a hotel shower: making you feel mildly retarded since 1947.

I just want to feel as important as a person who remains on a phone call through the entire duration of a grocery checkout.

The definition of a fart…as told by a 60 year old woman I work with. A turd honking for its right of way!

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

“You had a bad day? Let me fix that by simply existing.” -puppies

I know this may have been posted as it is fairly common, but here it is anyway: What do you call a person who had to be amputated after being attacked by an animal? Claude