What do you call a black dinosaur? Tyroneosaurus-Rex.

One of these days you’ll see the real me. Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.

Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone as a light, yup that high..

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Wife: What r u doing? Husband: Killing mosquitoes. Wife: How many did u kill? Husband: Total 5. Two female, 3 males. Wife: How do u know their genders? Husband: 2 near mirror and 3 near beer.

My ex-wife still misses me… BUT ‘ER AIM IS GETTIN’ BETTER! …’ER AIM IS GETTIN’ BETTER! ……you see, i…it’s funny because marriage is terrible.

If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds

Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t” Prince Harry

There are two types of people in the world: Those that divide everything into two categories, and those that don’t.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find.