What do you call fake spaghetti? An *imposta.*

Wanna know the difference between a man and a matgarita? A margarita hits the spot every time.

[NSFW] Why does a walrus love Tupperware? Because he’s always looking for a tight seal.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’ But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’ So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Why don’t blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog!

My girlfriend and I have rough sex. It’s not violent, it’s just poorly defined.

What did the Mexico team travel back home with? Luggage full of goals.

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneer’ s? Under his buccan-hat.

Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on the Internet. That was a close one.

911: What’s your emergency? “I put the Ford in affordable housing.” 911: Are you flirting? “No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”