What do snakes use to build clocks? Metal Gears

[Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”

How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That’s not funny.

My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.

What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of? The X men!

[first day as a mechanic] ME: i would say this car is haunted

What’s the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave won’t Brownen your meat

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

A father says to his son, “Don’t masturbate too much or you’ll go blind.”… The son says, “Dad, I’m over here.”