I always make sure I have a single male friend Because he comes in handy.

It was that time of the month. I said to the wife, ‘you know, your mouth isn’t bleeding…’ She replied, ‘yours will be if you keep up with that shit’

A Priest walks in to a hotel to check in… And he asks the clerk at the front desk, “Is the pornography disabled in my room?” The clerk responds, “No, it’s regular porn you sick fuck!”

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Officially committed to Princeton University class of 2019 majoring in women’s studies with a concentration in culinary arts

What is the official cereal for the Rio olympics? Cheer-Rios

how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? it’s a pretty obscure number, you probably haven’t heard of it.

getting my hopes up only to become even more disappointed dot edu

My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

Orange Jews. It’s very hacidic.