When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

What does a Boko Haram terrorist become after getting his throat slit? Boko Halal.

The janitor’s union called for sweeping reforms.

What did baby corn say to mumma corn? Where’s popcorn?

“Tim’s coming tonight” “Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?” [in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

I’ve just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants….. Feefiphobia

What is Newton’s fifth law of motion? If you run around a tree at the speed of light you can literally fuck yourself.

Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908 In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.

Did you hear about the happy Roman? He was glad-he-ate-her

My friend told me “the first stage is grief” “Isn’t it denial?” I replied. “No, not for me”