(Sigh) How I miss those good old days… Alas, my good old days of “morning wood” have been replaced by “morning wouldn’t.”

How does Donald Trump plan to get rid of the mexicans? Juan by Juan

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Overheard: Augustus Caesar on New Year’s Day: “I keep writing ‘B.C.’ on all my checks.”

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks… And now we wait.

How did the Italians lose WWII? They ordered ziti instead of shells.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

I think I might be suffering from anorexia. Every time I look in the mirror I just see a fat guy.

Did you hear about the house the lesbians built? All tongue and groove, no studs. I heard they did it lickety split too!

Why is Thors bother so secretive? Because he tries to keep things Loki…