Cheating on a good woman is like eating out of the trash instead going out for steak.

What’s the difference between a zombie and a redneck? One is a brainless, dirty, slow moving abomination, and the other is a zombie.

Why does a space rock taste better than an earth rock? It’s a little meteor

Every year I end up have so much Thanksgiving leftovers.. Not this year though. I’m quitting cold turkey

Who do you get if you cross Arnold Schwarzenegger with Michael Jackson? Michael Wasanigger

Why do emo’s always act so sour? Because you can’t spell Lemon without emo.

Imagine being the sound guy when Drake’s rapping about doing it all on his own with no help. He must be like “wow um oook?”

What did the salesman at footlocker say to the customer? Shoes wisely

Nice guys finish last. But thats because practice makes perfect.

What does Reddit share in common with the real world? A messed up system of karma