Why do you hate a nosey pepper? Cuz he’s jalapeno .business

What do philosophical dolphins say? What’s the porpoise?

me: *kicks a stone* mountain: my baby

I have to take a Viagra when I take an Ambien. It keeps me from rolling off the bed.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Why did the cowboy adopt the weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy!

A man walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.

Son: Are you going anywhere Dad? Dad: No, I’m going to Romania.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They’ve both been replaced…. By camera phones and bathrooms.