How do you get a hippie pregnant? You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

I like my women how I like my pudding. With their tops off and my penis in them.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill two and a half men.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere

What did the Hobbit say to the Japanese man as he was leaving? Shirenara!

I’m thinking of starting a youth foundation… I mean I’ve already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.

My wife was harassing me to do some work around the house. I said, “If I wanted a nag, I would have married a horse.”

I may have Alzheimer’s but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.

That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.