Where do cannibals get their vegetables from? the coma ward.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house? It swept with his girlfriend 😛

TIFU Up is my horse

Jesus walks into a hotel… … lays three nails on the counter and asks the clerk “Hey, can ya put me up for the night?”

What happens to the losers of the tv show The Biggest Loser? They’re made to feel like the smallest person in the world.

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

I just had sex with a 16-year-old girl on an elevator… It was wrong on so many levels.

What did the hotel clerk tell the guest with paruresis during check in? Your in 8.

Where did Timmy go when the bombs fell? Everywhere.