When someone says “I love you infinity plus one” I immediately love them less because of their failure to grasp basic mathematical concepts.

Nose hairs must be the longest hairs on the human body. Every time I pull one it makes my arse hole twitch.

[creating foxes] GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail ANGEL: ok… GOD: and make it sneaky ANGEL: you sure? GOD: yeah… real sneaky

What do you call someone who raises the dead by giving them hickeys? A Neckromancer

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bullet ! Bullet who ? Bullet all the hay and now he’s hungry !

a drug that makes you reallize that you don’t actually like the internet that much and maybe you should go for a walk or call a friend.

My Pollish grandma was telling me about one of the worst periods of her life She called it the concentration cramp

Why do German showerheads have 11 holes? Jews only have 10 fingers.

I wrote a book about Homeopathy…. I named it 1001 uses of Alcohol.