Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: …

How do you find Illuminati’s secret hideout? You triangulate their position!

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes? Discreet uniform distribution

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Beef jerky is already so salty… I don’t understand why they give you a salt packet in the bag.

Bobbing for apples is just waterboarding with fruit.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already. -said no kid ever

You inner anus is so big that when you skydive it acts as a parachute.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis. I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”