“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

Politicians are like sperm.. one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

What does a Greek man with a speech impediment say after being burgaled? “Stop those damn Thebes!”

Had to go and find a stepladder yesterday. I never knew my real ladder.

Why couldn’t the 5 year old go to the pirate movie? It was rated PG-13.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot.

Why do people from Istanbul always swim? Because they’re constant in a pool.

Doing crystal meth lowers your risk of dying from cancer… by raising your risk of dying from crystal meth.

What does Robert, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian all have in common? They all know how to get black men off.

Why did santa and Mrs. Claus go to marriage counseling? Santa only cums once a year.